Paul's Third Epistle To Timothy

Paul an apostle of Jesus Christ, to Timothy, Associate Youth Minister of the church at Ephesus. 

I besought thee to abide still in Ephesus, when I went to the Macedonian workshop, that thou mightest share thy dynamic motivational personality with the keen teens. I exhort therefore, that, first of all, candlelight devotionals be held for all cell groups. Meditate upon new schemes to keep them stirred up and on fire, give thyself wholly to them, lest the aged men and women teach them to be sober-minded. 

But watch out for them in all things. Do the work of a recreational director, plan a social calendar, entertain at hootenanies, chauffeur to amusement parks, referee ball games, make full proof of thy ministry. For bodily exercise produceth firm believers. 

These things write I unto thee, hoping to come unto thee shortly: but if I tarry long, that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the fieldhouse of God, the backboard and track of progress. 

Let no man despise thy youth rallies: but be thou an example of the latest fad, in hugs, in applause, in altar calls, in neo-charismatic spirituality, in cliches. Do thy diligence to schedule Hymeneus and Philetus for next year. 

Study to show thyself an intellectual. But progress beyond the things which thou hast learned and hast been assured of, knowing the rigid traditionalists from whom thou hast learned them. Let the elders that rule be told they have no authority, especially over you. 

I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, preach self-image psychology: relate, placate, and motivate with all values, clarification and counseling. Use vague speech, that cannot be pinned down, that he that is of the contrary part may look foolish, having no charges that you cannot later deny. These things suggest and present as all personal opinion so that anyone who disagrees may be ignored. 

Hold back the faithful word, which you were taught, that you may be able by new doctrines both to find and fill felt-needs. For there are many dynamic speakers and misunderstood thinkers, especially they of the circumcision, whose mouths must be given a wider hearing. A man that is a heretic to the old brethren, after the first and second brotherhood backlash, take a caravan of children a hundred miles to hear. Lay hands suddenly on anyone who seems to be an "anti"; keep thyself popular. 

O Timothy, keep that which unknowing parents have committed to thy trust, avoiding doctrinal issues and oppositions of knuckleheads, so called. 

(I’ve lost track of who wrote this and am therefore unable to give credit to whom credit is due. However I think it to be what Paul might have written had he been conforming to conditions in the church today. Now read his two letters to Timothy in the New Testament and see what he really wrote by the Holy Spirit. —E.R. Hall, Jr.)