What The Bible Says
“What The Bible Says - Vol. 1 / No. 10”
What The Bible Says
Vol. I - No. 10 / October 7, 2018
MARRYING THE WRONG GUY
Today I have several single female friends who would very much like to find the right guy. Some tell me the pickings are slim at their church, so they have ventured into the world of online dating. Others have thrown up their hands in despair, wondering if there are any decent Christian guys left anywhere. They’ve begun to wonder if they should lower their standards in order to find a husband.
My advice stands: Don't settle for less than God's best. Too many Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly advice: You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!
Speaking of “wrong guys,” here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:
The unbeliever. Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note and tack it on your computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” This directive is filled with such common sense that it would also apply to any marriage.
Don’t allow a man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his willingness to go to church with you) push you to compromise what you know is right. “Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy is not a faithful Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right for you. I’ve yet to meet a faithful Christian woman married to an unbeliever who would recommend it.
The liar. If you discover that the man you are dating has lied to you about his past or that he’s always covering his tracks to hide his secrets from you, run for the nearest exit. Marriage must be built on a foundation of trust. If he can’t be truthful, break up now before he bamboozles you with an even bigger deception. Paul writes: “Therefore, putting away lying, let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” (Ephesians 4:25). Every marriage must be built upon truthfulness. If he lies to you about anything, drop him like a hot rock!
The playboy. I wish I could say that if you meet a nice guy at church, you can assume he’s living in sexual purity. But that’s not always the case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single guys who take part in the worship services; waiting on the table, leading singing and even preaching on Sunday but act like Casanovas during the week. If you marry a guy who was sleeping around before your wedding, you can be relatively sure he will be sleeping around after your wedding. Also, if he’s using pornography marriage will not cure his use. Does he flirt with or text messages to the opposite sex—run, run as fast as you can, he is the wrong guy. “Put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:24).
The bum. “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever,” (1 Timothy 5:8). If you find out that the man you are interested in has trouble keeping a job, or says he just hasn’t found the right job for him, be advised he is not good for you. You can detect whether he is lazy and if he will not be a good provider for his family. If he won’t work you will probably be FORCED to work to pay the bills so he can sit in front of the TV playing his video games.
The addict. Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or drugs have learned to hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait until your honeymoon to find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction. Insist that he get professional help and walk away. And don’t get into a codependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober. You can’t fix him!
The deadbeat. What kind of debt does he have? Why does he have those debts? Is he living up to his obligations to pay those debts? Does his strategy include default, bankruptcy or letting mom and dad worry about those student loans? There have been many women who enter a marriage with a deadbeat and end up spending the next several years baling out the ne'er-do-well.
The narcissist. I sincerely hope you can find a guy who is handsome. But be careful: If your boyfriend spends six hours a day at the gym and regularly posts close-ups’ of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem. Do not fall for a self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you.
The abuser. Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger when it boils over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his behavior. He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to navigate his minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who is gentle.
The man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. He is looking for another mother! Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.
The control freak. Some Christian guys today believe marriage is about male superiority. They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that can morph into spiritual abuse. Stop and consider what the apostle Peter wrote. “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered,” (1 Peter 3:7). Sure men, are to head their home (Ephesians 5:23), but Peter makes it clear that in Christ there is spiritual equality, and therefore men must respect this equality. If the man you are dating talks down to you, makes demeaning comments about you or women in general, back away now. He is on a power trip. Women who marry religious control freaks often end up living a nightmare of depression.
If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus.
- J. Lee Grandy (adopted)
Our basic temperament is hard to change, but it can be improved upon as we strive to become more like Christ.
Even skeptics have faith. They have faith that skepticism is true.
False brethren can be more dangerous than open enemies.
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--- E.R. Hall, Jr.
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